Family Tattoo is in need of a shop helper/counter person.
Have you ever dreamed of having a job that offers very few hours, terrible pay, AND absolutely no opportunity for any advancement whatsoever? Then this is your lucky day!
1. Must read English, and write legibly . Scribbly chicken-scratch writers need not apply. I already have that department covered.
2. Must be presentable, clean, and moderately attractive - or so hideously ugly that your ghastly appearance will bring in business out of morbid curiosity.
3. Must have a pleasant phone personality, and the ability to finish sentences without Umms or Uhhhs.
4. Must understand the fundamental differences between things like “red” and “green”, and must not get confused when other things like “blue” get tossed into the equation.
5. Must know what math does.
6. Must be a 5th degree black belt in the arts of Broom, Windex, and Toilet Brush. Swiffer skills preferred, but will train if necessary.
7. Must have a watch, cellphone, or similar timekeeping technology, and a strong understanding of what all the numbers on it mean.
8. Must have a photographic knowledge of the location of every bar or corner shop within a 3 mile radius of the shop, and the fastest routes to all by car and on foot.
9. Must do a bunch more shit, to be determined on a day to day basis.
If you meet all of these qualifications, Family Tattoo has a lot to offer you, including:
1. A rate of pay second only to the sweatshops of SouthEast Asia!
2. An occasionally un-hostile work environment!
3. The chance to (sometimes - don’t get greedy) sweep the same floor 3 times in ONE DAY!
4. Opportunities for travel, to places that have burritos, coffee, burgers, burritos again, and more for the staff! (Wow!)
5. And very little more!
Don’t miss out on this rad opportunity! Email firstname.lastname@example.org to start your future today!
(No “apprentices”. We do have an “apprenticeship program”, but it involves knife-fighting Gilly in the fronch room of the shop where, even if you win, your hands will be broken with a pipe-wrench anyway). (at Family Tattoo)